Don’t worry – he’s coming back on Sunday. But he did abandon me for the weekend to go to Brooklyn (hipster capital of the world) to see his favorite podcasters from Uhh Yeah Dude, which is fine, but now I’m stuck trying to make Pittsburgh bearable all by myself. This is no easy task. Fortunately, Dan left me a PowerPoint presentation describing things I should and should not do while he is away. Among the things to do are to finish knitting his scarf, to work on this blog, to practice being drunk, to write a novel about Dan, and to continue being a Skeksi. Things I should not do include going to see Where the Wild Things Are without Dan, AudioBoo-ing without Dan, and not finishing knitting Dan’s scarf. I’m also supposed to pray for Taffy and to be brave and tall.
I took some of Dan’s advice, but not all of it. This is an update on my weekend in response to the very detailed PowerPoint instructions I received.
1. Knitting I knitted for about 10 minutes, but that got old real fast. I’m thinking of just going to J. Crew, purchasing a scarf, tearing out the tags, and giving it to Dan leading him to believe I knitted the scarf myself. It would be so much easier and this way I would not get carpel tunnel syndrome in the process. But I’m making progress, so maybe I’ll just suck it up and finish this project.
2. I have not gone to see Where the Wild Things Are But I’ve been listening to the soundtrack. So should you.
3. Cleaned out my entire room. It was time. I know it wasn’t on the list, but it needed to be done. I vacuumed, dusted, threw away at least 100 lbs. of crap, and I have a bag of clothes to give to Goodwill. I also found a Game Boy Color, which Dan told me is worth as much as Sammy Sosa. I’m not sure what this means, but I don’t think I’ll throw it away just yet.
4. I’ve been brave, but not so tall. Being brave is so easy. All you have to do is not leave your house because then you won’t encounter anything that might scare you. Just kidding! I’m brave 100% of the time, inside of my house or out in the real world. But I don’t have much to be scared of this weekend, so I can’t say this is a major accomplishment. But I have not been tall. I’ve been wearing slippers all weekend, even though 5/7 (71.4%) of you think that socks are better than slippers. You are all wrong. Anyways, these slippers make me short. I am not foreseeing wearing heels this weekend, or even my boots because it is raining and they are leather, so I’m going to stick with either flats or Chucks, which both make me short. So I’m sorry, Dan, but I will be quite short all weekend long. Brave and short – that’s how you like your women, right?
5. I’m going to go work on one of my more important tasks, which is to practice being drunk. See you tomorrow Dan – I hope you will be as hung over as I plan to be.
